Reading "To Kill A Mockingbird

Feelings

Just so you know I have had a bitter/sweet day today...So many things have messed up and I have so much money that I owe that I feel like I have a gigantic bolder on my shoulders weighing me down to where I can't walk on the path called "Life" anymore. I have to crawl. This alone has gotten me completely destroyed in every aspect of my life. Sometimes I feel like God could easily take this bolder and throw it off a cliff so that it is no longer on my shoulders. But what will I learn from that? That is like going to school one day trying to prepare yourself for a huge test that you are going to have to take. You get into class...and your teacher/professor smiles and says "Well class, there is no exam today I took it for you guys. So you all have the day off." Even though that is a pretty sweet gig what have you learned? Only one word comes to mind...nothing. This can never be good. What if that test was on how to change a tire and you didn't take it? Then the next day you had a blow out and no one knows how to fix it?? You are pretty much screwed for lack of a better word. So I guess that is why God will not lift this heavy load off my shoulders. He wants to teach me something. I just wish that I had a few band aids because this path is rocky and since I am crawling...I am getting hurt pretty badly. So I was wondering...will you be my band aid?

You're Religious?!?!?!?

Yesterday I went out with a friend and we ate lunch together. When I got my food I bowed my head and said a prayer to bless the food. When I was finished, my friend looked at me with a shock look and said "I forgot you were religious." At first I didn't think much of it and just laughed it off. I continued my day like nothing had happened. Today, I got to thinking about what had happened and now I am feeling a little bit regretful. I didn't think twice about it. Do I really not show God like I am suppose to? Can people really not see Him in me? This isn't the first time. Since Friday my sister and cousin have been talking about how ungodly I am. I know that they are not my judge and my relationship with Him is between God and me but shouldn't my actions be just like my testimony? So if I am not showing God in my actions then what am I showing?

So today I make a pact. A pact with me and God. That I will do my best to show God in everything I say and do. I want people to see God. I need them to see God. So my question for you is...what are your actions showing??

Stressing over the unfixable

So here's what's up. I am transferring next year but I have recently found out that I will have to pay back my loans as soon as I quit this school. Which I think is so stupid. Anyways, my parents are upset. I guess because they want me to go to a Christian school. Which is understandable but it's stressing me out. Those of you who know me on a personal level know that I hate to disappoint people period. But I can't fix it. I mean what am I suppose to do?? Owe 100,000 dollars in three years?!?!?!? I mean seriously?!?!?!?!?!? Any advice???

Coming Home

So...I came home today...yep...I came home today because this week is my spring break. So far so good. Not sure how everything will be come next Sunday but I can hope for the best right? Everything has changed so much. I look at my neices and nephews and see how much they have grown and I feel almost regretful for missing most of their lives at this moment. I desire so much to watch them grow. To watch their views on life change as the days grow shorter. But I am not able to do that. Not at the moment anyways. This alone depresses me. But...it's okay. I look at my sister and see how much she has changed in just the few months that I have been gone not knowing what has happened to her. It hurts to know this. I look at my parents...and see how much they have changed. How I miss them when I am away but when I am with them can't wait to get away. I look at my bother and see so much in him. The way he has changed has been such a shock. But then...I realize that none of them have really changed that much...but it is I who have changed. I have grown to be the person God wants me to be. I have grown in ways I never knew I would. I have made friends that have changed my life in such a way that I will never be the person I once was. Yes...everyone has changed but it is I who have changed the most. The question is...do I like the person I have changed to? How does anyone answer this question?? How am I suppose to take my mind off of how much the world has changed and focus on how much I have changed?? How do I do this?!?!?!? These are all questions that I do not have the answer to yet...but I think that the more that I change...the faster these answers will come to me...maybe...what do you think?

Realizing That There Is More To Realize

So, I just recently clicked onto my facebook page and saw this link that I had totally forgotten that I had. I had forgotten that my friend had asked me to get one of these blog things so I could follow her and read all about her day. I decided to click on it and I realized how much my friend writes. I felt so bad that I hadn't read any of them but really didn't want to read any of them anyways. Atlas my guilt overcame my laziness and I decided that I would read her most recent ones just to be able to say that I did.

With this being said I scrolled down and began to read. Little did I know how much her blogs would touch me. Some of them made me hurt...others made me laugh...a few made me smile...and all of them inspired me to write. I shortly realized that I am not the person I thought I was. I use to consider myself a "great" friend. I would always be there when when someone needed help and I would try to "fix" their problems. But reading my friends blog I realized...I am not a "great" friend at all...I am not even a "good" one. I had promised my friend that I would read her blogs but I never did. I was too lazy to just quickly click on, read it, and make her day by telling her how good it was. I couldn't encourage her to write more because I never read anything that she wrote. I remember that everyday she would tell me about her awesome new blog she wrote and how I would really like it and I would respond "Oh yea...I will read it later..." with no intentions of even attempting to read it. I am not a "good" friend. I am not writing this for you to show me sympathy. I really don't want it. I am simply writing this because I realized there is a lot more to realize. There is a lot more to being a friend then just being there...you have to show you care. Sometimes that means putting your own laziness aside and taking time to show what they mean to you...even if that means reading their blogs. :)

Earlier today that same friend came to me because she was stressed out. All I could think about was how upset I was at her over something that was so stupid. I couldn't be there for her because I was so stuck on how I should "get back" at her. This is not a friend. Not a friend at all. I learned so much about her today when I read her blogs that I even cried a little bit. So if she is reading this I just want you to know that I am REALLY sorry. And I would like to tell you how amazing your blogs are. They are truly inspirational. Well...I think that's it for right now. Sorry if this bored you. :) Maybe it will get better as I continuing blogging.