Twenty

I was told once, that in your twenties your entire life changes before your eyes. I personally thought I had experienced my twenties between the ages of 13-18, when life as I knew it had disappeared and I found myself within a nightmare. I thought that when I had turned twenty everything would fall into place. I thought wrong. Somehow I have managed to allow myself to fall back into that alternate reality. My life looks normal but below the surface is a part of me that is tucked within the barriers and walls I have built so that no one could possibly see or feel the things that I do. But recently someone has cut the cage and allowed that persona to be freed. Fear strikes deep within me. I do not want to lose what I have but I am anxious to see what is about to come. A smile is forced upon my face because if I were to frown the world would crumble at my feet. My grip on reality has loosened and I have thought about letting go. I have two paths in front of me. One is lit up...as bright as the sun. The other dark...commonsense tells me to follow the bright path...I look down it and see success...a family...commitment...happiness...Instead of jumping I hesitate. My curiosity takes over and I try to see down the dark, cold path. It is too dark. I am blind and I can see nothing. I step back and compare the two. Which should I take? I feel that persona that I caged in a long time ago take over. I run deep into the darkness. I have lost all control, and where I will end up.......nobody knows.

-Olivia Matthews

Update

Okay...so for those of you who I don't see very often here is a quick update on my life. I am currently an assistant manager at Dollar Tree. The Tree is...ok. lol I like it there most of the time. I can only like it as much as any normal person would like work. I live with my sister and surprisingly enough I love it. I feel...loved and accepted here. Which those of you who are close to me know that that is very important to me. I miss all my friends in the big city. Jamie is driving me crazy to come visit her. lol I am in a relationship. It's going great. Jamie doesn't like it though ;) hehe Being away from Nashville and coming back home has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Like money for starters haha. Money is hard to come by these days. I feel like such an old person saying that! But it's true, no doubt. I have also learned that even though the saying "your past makes you who you are today" is true it doesn't cause you to change who you want to be. I believe that is an important lesson learned. 1 down and billion more to go :) I like the quote by Wendell Berry, "The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

So, my goal in life is to just keep adding the good. Bad things WILL happen...but they won't tear me down. I have mountains that I am climbing, but I have a safety belt. I love my safety belt. lol Anywho, I look at myself now and I have grown up. I have learned to trust, love, accept, and pour my heart into everything. Some say that is stupid and I am going to get hurt. I realize this. But if you don't pour your heart out...how will you ever be able to fill it up with something new? I hope this blog has given whoever wants to have an update of my life. I know of at least two people who will read this :D Bet you can't guess who they are! ;) Okay...you probably can. I will try to update this blog sooner than later next time!

Your Eyes

I look into your eyes,
You look into mine,
The feelings that you show,
Overwhelms my mind,
You hold me so close,
In your arms I lie,
I look up and see love,
Deep within your eyes

My heart is on fire,
My brain is ice cold,
They are fighting against each other,
And I have no control,
One desires to love,
The other, to obey,
And worries too much about what others may say,
The question comes to the surface,
What will I do?
Will I choose my brain?
Or will I choose you?
The decision remains unmade,
And your smile seems like it will never fade,
So for now you can hold me,
And as I lie,
I will never stop looking,
Into your eyes.


-Olivia Matthews

Family

Family...what a word. Having a family is one of the great blessings God gives us. Tonight I was having a conversation with a friend about my family...my friend really made me think. I realized that I am one of the luckiest people I know...because of the family that I have. The way I was raised is what made me who I am today. Every person in my family has taught me something. A lesson I will never forget.

My maw maw taught me how to pray...when I lose hope...pray...when I feel like God isn't listening...pray...when I needed help...pray...when I needed love...pray. My maw maw is one of the greatest Christian women I have ever met...and she taught me how to pray.

My paw paw...he taught me how it's ok to cry. When something touched me in a way that I couldn't explain...it was ok to cry. When I was sad...cry...when I was happy...cry...and when I couldn't explain how I felt...cry. He is one of the toughest people I know and he...of all people taught me that it is ok to cry.

My dad taught me to grow up. I know this doesn't sound so great. But it is. He taught me the difference between being funny and being serious. He taught me how to respect. To, no matter what, respect people...and yourself.

My mom...well...she taught me how to be strong. When my world fell through...be strong. When I felt I couldn't go one more step...be strong. When the waves started crashing in...stand my ground...and be strong.

My sister...my sister taught me how to take a bad situation and make it good. She taught me that no matter what goes wrong...something good will always come out of it if I believe. She taught me how to make something out of nothing. And not to listen to anyone else...just your dreams.

My brother...he taught me how to give every little piece of my heart...even if the person wouldn't give me theirs. He taught me that what the heart feels is important. And to listen to it. And every heartbreak can be mended.

My step dad taught me that work is everything. Hard work will get you what you want. You have to make a living and work as hard as you can. You will be grateful in the end.

My step mom taught me that a little fun can't hurt. That you can't always be a stick in the mud. Go out...live life...and have fun. Smile...and never regret.

I have so many people that taught me things...friends that I consider family and just random people that I barely even know. I can't possibly mention them all but I am so blessed. Family is everything. They love...laugh...and grow right before your eyes. SO many times I have taken them for granted...and after eighteen years on this dark night...like most others...I have realized how lucky I am. I HAVE a family. They are messed up and crazy and some times drive me crazy...but they are MY family. And I wouldn't give them up for the world.

Drama and Television

Have you ever watched a TV show and shortly realized that the actors/actresses were living your life? No? Well maybe I am just weird (shut it, Jamie ;P) because it has happened to me a lot these past few weeks. Between Grey's Anatomy and Glee it feels like my life has interested thousands of people. Okay, let me be honest...I am no doctor, I am no longer in high school, I do not use medicine to save lives, and I surely can't sing. But outside of the major points of these shows...if you could find some way to look deeper into these shows. Look at the relationships, the problems, the love, pain, hate, joy, hope, and sadness. I believe that if we all look at those we could find a little bit of ourselves. I do. It's what we call "drama" in our lives. We all have it. For me it's the relationships in these shows that hit me in the face and makes me ask "Can two people really love each other that much? Is it even possible for someone to be that cruel? Would my parents really react in that way if I ever told them that? Is that really the world?" But then I look at my own life and realize that these fictional, dramatic, TV shows really aren't that fictional. Only the characters are. The problems and situations are all real. That is what makes them so popular to the public. Because people can relate...and they keep watching because the end is the best part. The end either gives them hope or destruction. If it ends well it tells the world that their problems can end well too. And if it ends bad...well...you get the picture. The end is the most important part. People don't watch for the beginning...they watch for the end. Which leaves me asking..."What do you think your ending will be?"

One Step Forward...Two Steps Back...

If you keep up with my blogs you know that one of my latest blogs was about starting over. Going down the path called "God" instead of "You." So yea...I have started it. I am walking on this path...and well...it's getting rough. I have so many people trying their hardest to encourage me. They do what they think they should do. But instead...they don't know me...and they are actually discouraging me. When I started walking on this path God told me their was a friendship I was going to have to cut off. I didn't want to do it. He said that if I cut it off freely He may build it up again in the future. I didn't want to do it. He asked me three or four times to it. I didn't want to do it. And then I went to church this morning and my dad preached on giving God everything. And I knew...this was the last time He was going to ask. But I didn't want to do it. So...He took it into His own hands and now...the friendship has ended. Probably never to return. This alone has left me with tears pouring down my cheeks as I type this. One step forward...two steps back.

I started to read His word on a daily bases. He told me that I needed to apply it to my everyday life. I got to one scripture...and I didn't want to do it. He said I had to if I wanted to be His disciple. But I didn't want to do it. One step forward...two steps back.

I decided that I would give God my past. He accepted. He asked for my future. I declined. One step forward...two steps back.

When I began to walk on this path I was handed a hand full of decisions. For example: where to live, where to go to school, what relationships I should keep, whether or not to tell people about my change or let them see it, and many more. I prayed about each and every one of these. And then when I make the decision so many people around me tell me I am wrong. So here I am...walking on this path...and I have hit a cliff. I am barely hanging on but hanging on none the less. So many people are around me...talking...telling me what I should do. They are so loud...so loud that I can't hear God. But then...I look up...and there He is...He has grabbed my hands...and He is pulling me up.

I may be stressed...and I may be weak...but God is still holding my hand. He has picked me up...dusted me off...has given me back my Bible...and is now once again...holding my hand...whispering in my ear..."Keep going. You are doing great. Don't give up. Don't be afraid. Don't stop. You got it. I am so proud. I love you..."

It's Time...

IT'S TIME! Those two words can start up a hurricane within your body. They can be put into pretty much any situation. It's time...the baby is coming. It's time...we are going to be late. It's time...to talk. It's time...to say goodbye. It's time...to let go and let God. And my personal favorite...it's time...for change.

Change...what a word. The dictionary says it is to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone. Everyone I know has wanted to change something. Whether it was themselves or someone they knew. All through out our lives we go through change. Some of it good. Some of it bad.

My definition for change? Well...my definition...is a little different. My definition is more of a description than a definition, actually. :) Change is what we all go through to make us who we are. I believe there are two types of change. Not just "good" and "bad"...but more like "you" and "God".

We all know the good ol' Robert Frost poem...The Road Not Taken...
"TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference." 20

Well...what if the two roads were labeled "God" (one less traveled" and "You?"

The point I am trying to make is that for the past five years I have taken the road labeled "You". And to be honest...it has gotten me no where. Every now and then I would peep through a tree and look over to the other path. I would then walk through a crowded forest to get to the other side and begin to walk on the road labeled "God". When that got too hard I would run as fast as my legs would carry me to get back to my comfort zone. Well...I say all this to say four simple and complex words...it's time for change. So here I go...I am starting over. I have walked back to the place where it all began. I am at the very beginning of the two roads. I will take a deep breath. Grab a strong hold on my Bible...and start walking. I ask you to please pray for me...pray that when the trees start to bustle...and the birds start to make scary noises...and it starts to get dark...that I just keep walking...if any of you need someone to walk with you down your road. Hit me up. It would be nice to have a friend. Even if none of you are in my position...God is with me...holding my hand...whispering in my ear..."you can do it. Hold tight. You are almost there. You are doing great. Don't give up. I love you..."