Twenty

I was told once, that in your twenties your entire life changes before your eyes. I personally thought I had experienced my twenties between the ages of 13-18, when life as I knew it had disappeared and I found myself within a nightmare. I thought that when I had turned twenty everything would fall into place. I thought wrong. Somehow I have managed to allow myself to fall back into that alternate reality. My life looks normal but below the surface is a part of me that is tucked within the barriers and walls I have built so that no one could possibly see or feel the things that I do. But recently someone has cut the cage and allowed that persona to be freed. Fear strikes deep within me. I do not want to lose what I have but I am anxious to see what is about to come. A smile is forced upon my face because if I were to frown the world would crumble at my feet. My grip on reality has loosened and I have thought about letting go. I have two paths in front of me. One is lit up...as bright as the sun. The other dark...commonsense tells me to follow the bright path...I look down it and see success...a family...commitment...happiness...Instead of jumping I hesitate. My curiosity takes over and I try to see down the dark, cold path. It is too dark. I am blind and I can see nothing. I step back and compare the two. Which should I take? I feel that persona that I caged in a long time ago take over. I run deep into the darkness. I have lost all control, and where I will end up.......nobody knows.

-Olivia Matthews

Update

Okay...so for those of you who I don't see very often here is a quick update on my life. I am currently an assistant manager at Dollar Tree. The Tree is...ok. lol I like it there most of the time. I can only like it as much as any normal person would like work. I live with my sister and surprisingly enough I love it. I feel...loved and accepted here. Which those of you who are close to me know that that is very important to me. I miss all my friends in the big city. Jamie is driving me crazy to come visit her. lol I am in a relationship. It's going great. Jamie doesn't like it though ;) hehe Being away from Nashville and coming back home has really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Like money for starters haha. Money is hard to come by these days. I feel like such an old person saying that! But it's true, no doubt. I have also learned that even though the saying "your past makes you who you are today" is true it doesn't cause you to change who you want to be. I believe that is an important lesson learned. 1 down and billion more to go :) I like the quote by Wendell Berry, "The past is our definition. We may strive, with good reason, to escape it, or to escape what is bad in it, but we will escape it only by adding something better to it."

So, my goal in life is to just keep adding the good. Bad things WILL happen...but they won't tear me down. I have mountains that I am climbing, but I have a safety belt. I love my safety belt. lol Anywho, I look at myself now and I have grown up. I have learned to trust, love, accept, and pour my heart into everything. Some say that is stupid and I am going to get hurt. I realize this. But if you don't pour your heart out...how will you ever be able to fill it up with something new? I hope this blog has given whoever wants to have an update of my life. I know of at least two people who will read this :D Bet you can't guess who they are! ;) Okay...you probably can. I will try to update this blog sooner than later next time!